of masks and potions
by the llamas
Summary: while severus snape undergoes a sever identity crisis, draco malfoy tries to accomplish the plan to get rid of the boy who lived. lots of confusion ahead, so consider yourself warned. mild SLASH warning.


'OF POTIONS AND MASKS'  [1/?]

by brildane and amm

**Authors**: the llamas

**Email**: deities_on_strike@hotmail.com  

**Category**: humor, slash, action/adventure

**Keywords**: draco, harry, ron, snape, evil bartenders

**Spoilers**: none, really.

**Rating**: R for language and mild slash

**Summary:** while severus snape undergoes a sever identity crisis, draco malfoy executes his father's plan to get rid of the boy who lived. lots of confusion ahead, filled with evil bartenders and stupid muggle musicians, as well as strange potions one should better not drink if one wants to keep his boyfriend. Mild SLASH warning – if this squicks you, go away. 

**Disclaimer**: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Honest.. In other words, all we do is amuse our warped imaginations with the lovely hp characters. 

Chapter 1: gagging for a shagging? 

Draco Malfoy was not a very happy young man. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he felt like exchanging lives with anyone [except, maybe, for Potter]. The matter was beyond comprehension to anyone who wasn't raised in the Malfoy family or who was not a hopeless Draco Malfoy fan. Therefore, he could not confide to the closest things he had to friends, that is Crabbe and Goyle, as quite obviously they were neither.

He sighed impatiently and glared at the head stuck in the fireplace. The head belonged to Lucius Malfoy, his father, and Draco had to reassemble all the will power he had left to push away the mental images of his father's head chopped to little slices and stuck through with sporks. Instead, he tried to listen to the currently unsevered head's long list of instructions.

"...and, remember, Draco," droned on the pathetic shadow of what used to be a powerful wizard, "don't come to your young male cousins for sex again. I'm sure there are plenty of Slytherin girls who are literally gagging for a shagging"

Draco mentaly rolled his eyes. Ever since Lucius surprised him and his young cousin Apollo in the middle of a quite passionate tryst, he didn't cease to mock him and scold him because of his newly discovered homosexuality. 'As though I didn't know about you and Snape,' thought Draco, quite spitefuly.

"Yes, father," came the meek answer.

His father's head seemed to wince, and Draco could have sworn he heard another voice in the room.

"Is your son gay as well, Lucius?" said the hypothetical voice belonging to a hypothetical person. "Does it run in the family?" His father then turned his head and started a whispered conversation with the other person. 

So there was someone else! 'Possibly another of Lucius' many lovers,' thought Draco with distaste. It was so unfair. Everyone knew how much action his father was getting [except, perhaps, for Narcissa], and he got lectured about one small snog session. He didn't feel like admiting to himself that he was simply jealous of all the attention his father seemed to get. 'He's even not that pretty,' he thought scorfully. Sure, the Malfoy flare was visible even in Lucius, but...

"I'll see you later, son," his father said finally. "I have some matters to discuss over with our dear Lordie." POP, went Lucius Malfoy's head in the fireplace. Draco was finally left to his own brooding and depressing thoughts.

* * *

While Draco Malfoy would have given away all his designer clothing if that could grant him the possibility of never seing his father again, Ron Weasley, a shy and hormon-crazed teenager, was of a very different opinion. Right now he sat on the roof of the Burrow where he could admire the photo of Lucius Malfoy that he found in Witch Weekly. 

Lucius' photo was on the "Top 10 most Handsome but Taken Wizards of Our time" list since 4 years already. [[Poor Ron Weasly didn't realise that it was only because of a considerable amount of money spent on bribes and a photo editor that the pic got there in the first place.]]

Ron admired the man, ashamed as he was to admit it. Ever since he first saw him at the Quidditch World Cup, he couldn't stop thinking about him... About the way his face twisted in a sneer when angry, about the commanding tone of his voice...

Ron sighed deeply, and started climbing off the roof.

He didn't notice that, during the descent, a piece of parchment slipped from between the pages of his book where he kept all things concerning Lucius.

It was a poem. 

_i'd give away all the galleons from my measley little pocket_

_just to see the snow of your eyes_

_i'd clean your shoes and do your laundry_

_because i need you_

_your eyes are like silver, your lips are like crisps_

_i want you to love me_

_just like i love the dust on your lungs_

_from all the cigarettes you smoked_

_to lucius malfoy, from ron weasley._

Poor Ron didn't know that the poem would never be read by Lucius.

* * *

Harry Potter lay on his rather small bed, in his rather small room, twirling his quill between his fingers and gazing at a blank piece of parchment.   
  
_Dear Draco_.. He had started already, then crossed it out in disgust.   
_Dearest Draco_..? No. Too soppy.   
_Malfoy_.. Too impersonal.   
_Draco_.. Yes.   
  
_Draco.. I know we've never been what someone would classify as 'friends', me being "The Boy Who Lived" and you being.. well.. "The Son Of A Prominent DeathEater." Ron would have a fit if he knew I was writing this.. but anyway.. what I'm trying to say, is this..._

  
Harry let out a small sigh and let his quill fall from his fingers, leaving a black line across the page.   
  
Chuckling to himself, he scrawled _"I want to get into your pants and shag you up against a wall somewhere",_ and scribbled his name at the bottom. Raising a sceptic eyebrow, he glared at the letter and tossed it across the room. Throwing himself back against the bed, he sighed and fished under his pillow, pulling out a small photo of Draco Malfoy. 

Pressing it to his heart, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.   
  
* * *   
  
Far away from Potter, Severus Snape sat in a small Muggle nightclub, sipping his drink. If Lucius had've known he was here, he would throw a fit. Lu didn't like him hanging around those 'blasted Muggles' as he called them. But really, he thought idily, swishing his drink around, they weren't such a bad sort. A sudden noise made him glance up, to see a curly haired man standing beside him.   
  


"You're on, mate..," he murmured to Sev. "And.. by the way.. I just wanted to say that I love your stuff.. you're really  great up there.."   
  


Rolling his eyes in undisguised impatience, Severus pushed past the leering man, and stepped up onto the stage.

Nodding at the band behind him, he grabbed the microphone and started to sing.   
  
Severus had started the band as a joke, at first, but he'd really started getting into it. Why, they'd even released a cd. "Severus And The Muggles," they had called themselves.   
  
'Yes', Sev thought whilst screaming into the microphone, this was the life.

* * *

The feeling of freedom that he had when on stage had finally left him, as Severus knew it would do. He absent-mindedly signed a few pieces of paper while wiping the sweat off his forehead, realising he'd give everything away just to be able to lead a full-time rockstar life. He was born to do this, baby!

Sighing, he went to the bar and sat on his stool.

"A Screwback, please." The bartender gave him an emphatic look and proceeded to mix his drink.

This was a case lost in advance. He'd have to break nearly all links he had with the wizarding world, and all this just to be on stage with a bunch of people who hated his guts. 

Severus chuckled apreciatively to himself. His band mates were simply scared of him. The only reason they kept him in was the fact that he had the effect of a flypaper for fans. Fans with cash, mind you, fans who would buy their stuff. And did he have the groovy moves!

His laughter shortly changed into tears, and Sev proceeded to bang his head on the table.

"You shouldn't do that," a female voice said.

He looked up. He gawked. She looked back with rabid interest.

"Gina!" he shouted and leaped up. 

He stared at her in surprise. Gina, his girlfriend back from 4th year, would never wear black eye shadow and red lipstick. Nor would she die her hair green, orange and blue, nor would she wear a t-shirt proclaiming she loved Severus And The Muggles. So this visibly was not Gina. Severus sat down, hunched his shoulders and started sobbing uncontrolably.

"There, there," said the woman sympathetically. "Don't cry anymore." She sat there with him for some time, awkwardly patting him on the shoulder.

"Take me away from this place," answered Severus Snape, Potions master at Hogwarts, currently depressed. Hey, artists are known for their mood swings!

The woman looked at him with renewed interest. There was lust written all over her face. The atmosphere was getting pretty steamy. Not that Sev noticed. He was having suicidal thoughts right now, and wouldn't give a damn if the Dark Lord himself gazed at him with all the world's lust in his eyes. 

"If that's what you want..." the woman purred in his ear. "I know a very nice place where we can have some peace." And she dragged him out of the bar, despite the protests of the bartender.

"It's very hard to mix Screwbacks, you know!" he shouted at their retreating backs. "No consideration at all..." he shot one last poisonous glare at Sevvie's back, and drank the Screwback himself.

"Having problems with customers?" a girl asked, taking Severus' stool.

"With this one... freakin' artist... fuckin' owner of the world..." he shoved some glasses around, making a lot of noise. "But I'll get back to him... one day..."

* * *

A few miles away from the nightclub, Draco Malfoy listened to his father's lengthy explanations regarding his mission to bring down Potter once and for all. He didn't like what he heard. He wanted to be anywhere but at the Manor. He wanted to be anyone but a Malfoy. 

But he had no choice. The honor of the Malfoy name was on his hands. Whole generations of Malfoy's looked down scornfully at him from the portrait gallery on the wall.

And, just maybe, his part in the mission wouldn't be all that unpleasant. He might even enjoy it. 

Mentally slapping himself, he went upstairs to his bedroom, where he spent the whole night thinking about what his father had told him.

* * *

Several minutes later, Sev found himself at the door of a small apartment building. Beside him, the Gina look-alike was digging in her purse, muttering to herself about 'door key's.' The key was finally found, the door unlocked, and Severus dragged through it.   
  
Waving a hand towards a couch at the side of the room, the woman smiled slowly and murmured, "Make yourself at home, darling.. I'll just go and.. freshen up.." Exiting the room, she turned, blew a kiss to Snape, and walked through the door.   
  
Sev groaned. What *had* he gotten himself into? 'Lu isn't going to like this..' he thought.   
  
Noting the couch, and remembering the strange womans invitation, he slowly made his way over, and sat down tentatively. He was in a strangers apartment. A MUGGLE apartment, at that.   
  
Severus gaped as the woman entered the room. 

  
"You.. er.. changed..." he choked out. 

  
"Yesss.." she murmured, sidling up to him. "I thought this would be.. somehow... more fitting.." 

  
"You couldn't get anything more fitting than _that_" he almost coughed out. 

  
She ran one hand along the skirt of the black see-through dress and pouted.   
  
"You don't like..? Why, this was custom made.. look.." she pointed at the dress dramatically, and squinting, he could make out little love-hearts with the words 'Severus and Severina.. man and wife..' printed at various spots on the cloth.   
  
He choked again, and reached up to mop at the sweat forming on his brow. 'Oh god. Help. Me.' he found himself repeating over-and-over inside his mind.   
  
"Ohhh.. of course! You want me to take everything off!" She smiled, looking delighted. "I always knew you were a forward kind of man.." she started, then was cut off. 

  
"I... what? No! No.. that's fine. Er. lovely. Very nice.." Sev lied through his teeth.   
  
"Oh. Well. alright then.. I'm Severina, by the way. Can't *believe* I forgot to introduce myself..it's all the excitement. you see.." she giggled, sitting beside Sev and sliding one hand up to rest against his thigh. 

"Tell me, Sev, were you always into music..? I mean.. you sing with such passion.."   
  
"I. Er. sort of.. fell into it, you could say.." he gurgled, his eyes riverted on her hand.   
  
"Right.. would you like something to drink, darling..? Something to.. relax you..?" she smiled coyly, sliding her hand up further.   
  
He nearly screamed. "Argg.. that is.. yes. Yes, I'd love a drink."   
  
She stood up removing her hand (much to his relief) and exited the room, calling after her "I'll get you something that'll get you going, baby.."   
  
Severus panicked. leaping up and bounding over the door, he pulled at the doorknob. Locked. 

  
"Shit!" he swore silently, pulling harder. Spinning around, he noticed a small side-door leading off into a room. 'Worth a try..' he thought quickly, and sprinted for the door. Once inside, he stared around in horror.   
  
A large bed lay in the middle of the room. The covers were rumpled, as if whoever had slept there last hadn't made it yet. Sev quinted as he made out a dark shape lying on the bed. Stepping slowly towards it, he called out in a hoarse whisper. 

  
"Can you help me?! There's this woman.. and she's trying to hit on me.. and oh, god.. I _have_ a boyfriend.. I'm gay for crying out loud.. and she's a MUGGLE.."   
  
Reaching the bed, he prodded the shape with one hand. It didn't move. Pulling back the covers with one fiece movement, he stared.   
  
"A doll." he said at last. "A blow up doll. Of me, no less. She has a blow up doll, of me, in her bed."   
  
Pulling the covers down further, his eyes widened and he almost forgot to keep his voice down.   
  
"I'm not THAT small! Bloody HELL!"   
  
Stepping back, he tripped over a pile of clothes and fell into the closed wardrobe. Pulling the doors open, he peered inside with narrowed eyes. A small table stood in there, alight with scented candles. A large corkboard was stapled to the back wall, and pinned to it, were photo's.   
  
"Photo's. Of me. I'm sleeping. And there..I'm.. on the toilet. Ah. There I am walking along.. minding my own _bloody_ business." Sev's eyes widened as he caught a snap-shot of him in the shower.   
  
Stumbling away from the open wardrobe, he froze as he heard a familiar voice shriek out his name.   
  
"Severussss.. Your drink is ready.. and so am I.. where are you...?"   
  
He leapt at the window, undoing the latch and shoving it up. Crawling out through it, he ran.

Running as though his life depended on the speed of his legs [which, he thought, was true], he bumped straight into a man who gave off a strong smell of alcohol.

The man bobbed his head, grunted, and groped at Sev's shoulder. He stared. He muttered something. More staring.

Suddenly a high-pitched scream tore through the whole neighborhood.

"Aaaagh!" Severus shouted. "A fuckin' shrine! Me on the toilet! Just what the fuck was that bint _thinking_?! A blow up doll!" he violently shook the man he had bumped into, and glared at him, blaming everything that happened this evening on the poor drunken hippie.

"So I see you don't have a fiver..." the man muttered, trying to get rid of the solid grip on his shoulders. "I understand... no need to be so violent about it..."

Severus let go of the man, and for the third time this evening burst into tears.

He had to see Lucius as soon as he possibly could. From then on, he'd never hide anything from him. He's leave his band and the whole Muggle world, with all of its drunk hippies, irritating bartenders and obsessive rabid groupies.

* * *

The only problem was that he wasn't prepared for what he saw once he got to the Malfoy Manor.  The frilly pink tutu flashed in his eyes through the stream of tears that started pouring down his face.

"You SAID you were going to leave her.. And I come back after.. a HELL of a day.. and she's on your bloody lap!"

Lucius shoved his wife, Narcissa, off his lap. The pink tutu she wore rolled up uncovering her purple underwear.

"Severus! I can explain!" but it was too late. Sev was already out of the room.

"You never told me you liked tutu's... or pink... how many things are you still hiding from me?!" he shouted, and apparated back home.

"Now look what you've done." He said to Narcissa who looked at the scene with a puzzled look on her face.

* * * * * * * *

Next chapter: Draco's mission revealed, Ron gets ridikuled some more, and Harry's dreams come true. Amongst other things, of course... ^^

-----fic ends HERE-----


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